Pearl getting ready for her inteview(s)

Pearl’s BuzzFeed interview

Pearl recently caught up with BuzzFeed’s David Mack after people referred to her as “terrifying” and stuff of nightmares.

Pearl, hard-working mascot for the Halifax Oyster Festival

As for BuzzFeed News, we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to play demon slayer and actually interview Pearl ourselves (via email because — and I can’t believe these words as I’m typing them — she’s lost her voice since getting COVID recently).

BFN: Hi, Pearl. I guess my first question is do you come in peace?

PEARL: Mostly, yes.

BFN: What exactly are you? Are you sentient? Do you feel pain?

PEARL: First off, I’m a hard-working oyster. I’m filtering the damn ocean all day, and I drink salty dogs and Blue Lobster on the side of the wharf all night. Every night. Pain is relative.

BFN: What’s with all the eyes? What are you on the lookout for?

PEARL: Hot shuckers.

BFN: Many people on the internet are saying they’re terrified of you. How does that make you feel? Sad? Angry? Vengeful to the point you might destroy the human race?

PEARL: I have no beef with the human race, I just wish they would stop using single-use plastics. Also fresh-water pearls, what’s up with that?

BFN: What’s the deal with your relationship with Earl? Is he single?

PEARL: Earl and I are on a break, he did me dirty on a vacay to Meat Cove, Cape Breton — I’m waiting for cooler waters.

BFN: I’ve read that oysters are gender-switching, sex-hungry creatures. Is that how you identify? Are you queer?!

PEARL: If sex-hungry means single-handedly repopulating the Atlantic Ocean with nearly 6 billion babies each and every year, then yes, I’m sex-hungry. But I’m pro-choice. Gender is fluid. I’m bi(valve).

BFN: Lastly, are you upset that you’re being used as a mascot for an event where people are eating your siblings? Do you intend to hold some sort of Halifax Human-Eating Festival?

PEARL: I try to make it every year to the Oyster Festival — it’s a family reunion. Some make it and some don’t. But no, I don’t eat humans — gross. I’m a phytoplanktarian.

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